“Dear Arden,
I am (or was) in a situationship with a guy I like. We’ve been talking for several months and expressed mutual feelings for each other, but as time has passed I’ve started to realize that I’m not interested in him romantically anymore. I still value his friendship but I want to find a way to tell him that I no longer have a crush on him without hurting his feelings or making him feel like he did something wrong. I’m scared that I’ll say something that will be misconstrued and then it’ll be awkward between us. What should I do? What should I say?”
-Situationship Struggles
Dear Situationship,
Well, this is quite the pickle. If this were just a normal break-up due to a loss of feelings, I’d be more confident in my advice. So, let’s start with that, then I’ll switch some of the advice around to match this situation.
My typical advice on breaking up with someone who you have lost feelings for:
- Don’t wait for the relationship to fizzle out – rip the bandage off and break up with them. It’s the right thing to do rather than leaving them on the hook.
- If you can, always do it face-to-face. Obviously, if the relationship is more online-based, do it in that format (at least try to make it a video call, though), but if you know them in-person and you see them mostly face-to-face, then break up with them face-to-face.
- Rip the Band-Aid off. Don’t drag it out – just tell them you’re done. If they ask why, then tell them. If they want to talk about it, that’s fine, but make sure your resolve is steady and don’t let them try to convince you to keep dating.
How to fit this to your situation (pun not intended):
- It’s already a situationship, so there’s not really anything there to fizzle out in the first place. However, leaving them on the hook does apply here, so I think the best move here is to set some boundaries and make it clear to them that you just want to be friends.
- I think my advice above still applies for this one.
- Unlike a breakup, this may call for more of a two-way conversation since, if you’re not in a relationship, there’s no risk of them trying to convince you to stay in the relationship. So, here, I would talk to them about it so that you can establish boundaries you’re both comfortable with.
So, what should you say? Well, it’s not so dramatic of a situation that you need to open with the classic “We need to talk,” but it’s not exactly a casual conversation topic either. So, I would start with asking how they’re feeling about the situation you’re currently in. There’s always a chance that they actually agree with you and just want to be friends. Then, explain how you’re feeling. The most important thing here is that you communicate. If you’re worried about things being misconstrued, then you definitely need to communicate. The more you discuss it, the less likely it is that there will be a misunderstanding, so, just talk about it.
It’s going to be okay, Situationship Struggles,
Arden
