“Dear Arden,

I’ve known my friends for two years now. I think we all get along pretty well, and they’re really nice to me at school. However, they never invite me anywhere outside of school. I know they’re doing stuff together without me. I’ve seen their pictures and they talk about it right in front of me. Why wouldn’t they want to hang out with me? Should I confront them, or just let it go?”
–An Outsider

Dear An Outsider,

First off, I will tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way, especially with social media broadcasting hangouts to more people who were excluded than people who were actually invited. Brazenly speaking about it in front of you, though, is a different story. Luckily, we can use this to our advantage. The next time they bring up a hangout they’re planning without inviting you, you have the perfect opportunity to speak up and ask them if you can be included. It’s possible that, if they’re bringing it up in front of you, they’re hoping you’ll tag along. So, just ask. And if they say no, which is highly unlikely, then ask why. Asking why will also be effective if you’re asking them after the fact. If they hung out without you, ask them why you weren’t invited. 

Now, you may be scared to ask, either because you don’t want to come off as clingy or are afraid you’re going to get an answer you don’t like. First off, don’t fear the latter; there is no chance that your friends will tell you they just don’t enjoy spending time with you – they spend time with you at school and, as you said, you get along pretty well. And as for being “clingy,” don’t worry about it. You’re only asking once – it’s not like you’re bothering them every second about this. Plus, you’ve been friends for two years; they know you well enough by now that they likely don’t think you’re clingy. 

Here’s, however, some food for thought: if you don’t feel comfortable enough to just ask your friends why they’re hanging out without you, then maybe they aren’t very friendly. When my friends hang out without me, the reasoning is usually pretty clear, and, when it’s not, I just ask them. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic confrontation. But, if you feel that your friends aren’t going to receive this question very well (or you have asked this and they didn’t receive it well), then maybe they aren’t that great of friends. You’re clearly feeling hurt by this exclusion, and you are allowed to make these feelings known.

The most important thing to remember is that you have time to consider all of this. You don’t have to do anything about it right now if you don’t want to. However, if this is bothering you, then you are allowed to just simply ask your friends what is going on. And so, my best possible advice is to just ask. And if the answer leaves you unsatisfied, then maybe it’s time to consider finding some new friends.

Wishing you all the best,

Arden

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